butterfly__________

Tuesday, May 01, 2007
11:55 PM

I am feeling uglier each day.
I guess I am the only fat person who is filled with hope about the future.
Talking about the future does not make me depressed nor hopeless, in fact, it brings me tremendous joy.
Praise God for the light that he shines in my life.
Maybe he will bestow upon me with an Engineer boyfriend.

I only pray hard that he does not have BO or BB, which stands for Body Odour and Bad Breath respectively. Fat and a bit of pimples is fine with me.

Haha. The thought of cute kids addressing me as Aunty Min Si is hilarious.
Maybe they will ask me," Aunty Min Si, why is your buttock so big?"
Then I will diao( stare with disdain) them and say, it's because I have plenty of blessings in my rear area.
"Aunty MinSi, what is rear area?"
To which I will say pi4 gu3, the place where your shit comes out.
Then Aunty Fengyi, Aunty Jiayan will all diao me and say," Cannot say the S*** word in front of the kids."

Fine. Pang Sai it shall be.
According to my p2 kid, Shit should be censored and changed to motion.
Because you pass motion, therefore MOTION=SHIT.

So everytime I curse using the word shit in front of kids, I will censor it and say MOTION.
WALAU EH MOTION LAH! WHAT THE MOTION? THIS STUPID MOTION CANNOT WORK.
=D

I guess when you are 19 and lonely.
You sort of start to imagine what the future holds for you.
You think of boyfriend, husband, proposals, marriage, children, childbirth, old age, money, career and maternity leave.
Then you pause and think for a while more and you realise FREAKING MOTION, you might be a mommy in 10 years' time! Holey moley!

Then you start wondering, why would people want to have kids?
Kids are troublesome, they squeal, scream, shit at all the wrong time!
They use up your freaking savings that you work so hard for.
When they are young, you have to take care of them.
Instead of behaving like crows when they grow up, they shut their doors in your faces, drink booze, rebel and rebutt WHATEVER you say.

Have you ever wondered why in the world would your parents want to have kids and created so much problems and woes for themselves?

Then it says in the bible that God created humans because He loved us so.
I could never really understand this line.
How does it show that God loves us if he created us?
Then pieces of the puzzle came together and you see in this amazing world that God created is actually a true reflection of His love for us.

Our parents joined in holy matrimony, created us not for any mercernary reasons- not because they want us to take care of them when they are old, not because they want any form of payback.
But simply because they want to love us.
They want to love what they created.
No complaints whatsoever, Come What May!
Love is what it is.

=D

And so the next time you see your mom's huge tummy, your dad's weathered face, tell them you love them and you feel blessed to have them as your parents.

No matter how much they kao pei you lah.
haha.

butterfly___________

Friday, April 13, 2007
11:09 PM

Haha. I just realised that other people do read my blog. And then I went back to read my recent entries- to my horror, they are all bad. Eeks.

Then I was telling Jia that maybe Alex is xiaoyuan. Since her hotmail is alexboyish something. Or if not, it means he is a boy , my image as a jovial and bubbly person is totally tarnished. That's it, noone will ever fall in love with me.:( Or if seen in optimistic light, like Jia said, maybe Alex is a stalker of mine. Wah. Very happy hor.

So what are you huh? Don't disappoint me lei, haha, just a passerby:( Maybe you are a student who has a crush on me. The bitchy teacher.

And my dear fren fengyi said quite encouragingly," You should have slapped your student." I would have I guessed, if I had lesser control over my emotions.

Well, I am really not so angry anymore.
Now, it's more like disappointment, and ache.
There's this hurting ache , or to quote a passage I just read, it's so painful that I feel "pains in pains".

And so I asked God for help.
I asked dear God, is there some reason you are letting me teach now? Is there some reason why you are opening my eyes to all these? What is my cause for caring about them? My love and concern would in the end remain unrequited.

Is there a reason why I'm feeling a sort of pain, a sort of disappointment I have yet to experience in my life til now? Or is it simply because you want to show me that I can help? And I should help?

Then, to a not very christianly christian like me, I actually felt it. I actually felt it just before I entered the lift. I could never understand how someone, a stranger, a passerby a bypasser, could just put him or herself down and just wholly accept others. To feel hurt or anger simply because this is not what you expect of them, because you feel so much more?

To treat me like this, is not just hurting me.
I can see how you treat your parents.
I can see how great your parents' love for you are.
Despite your flaws, your horribility, your immaturity, they still loved you and they will always love you. Even when they are in hell or heaven, Love never ever stops. Because your origin was them.

Then I finally understood God's love for all of us.
How we are all horrible people, having a 100 sins each and yet when he created us, he inputed the freedom of choice in us and yet still forgave us! tolerated us! Because he loved us.

And my anger shall cease to exist.
Because anger alone can't help me solve problems.
My problems, your problems.
Only my love, as a teacher, from a teacher, can encompass everything, forgive you and still care about you.

Shamelessly, my own words touched myself.

When one of the girls apologised to me, whether sincerely or not, I held her on the arms and I said very sincerely,
" I do not wish to do this. I am not happy doing this. I do not like to see your name on a cruel piece of offence record form. Because that will not make you change. But I will scold you, nag at you, teach you, preach at you, until you learn, be it one day I will still do it."

That was my most sincere sentiments.
She was unmoved lah.

oh crap.

butterfly___________

Working at this new place is sucking all the energy out of me.
Being the person who has an abundance of energy, you can imagine how tired I feel right now.

Drained.

I have never been so angry in my life.
I mean, I was upset at maths, or rather my inability to handle jc maths, but never was I angry at myself, nor at maths.
I am so angry that I had to use anger management skills on myself.

Teaching is a stressful job.
One day if I have kids, and my children are rude to their teachers, they are going to get one tight slap from me and grounded for life.
You should have plenty of respect for your teacher.

Today, I discovered a whole new side of me that I never knew existed.
I knew I had a temper.
I knew I could get angry.
But I never knew that the word Wrath existed in my dictionary.
Isn't Wrath worse than anger or rage?
Yes it is. Andrea, yes it is.
In fact it was so bad I felt smoke coming out of my head.
Thank God for all the support I'm getting.

And so the story goes that ms tehsi went inside the class, expecting the class to take out books to read-quietly. They are 15 years old for goodness's sake.
tehsi asked the class politely to settle down and read, which is what they would do on normal days.
today, everything snapped. In me. In them. or is it friday the 13th?
i would go around the class, and say " please take out your book and read and stop talking."

but you wouldn't listen. you just won't. because you are forever right, and i am forever wrong. im sorry i even said please ok.
i would repeatedly ask everyone in the class to read, politely, gently.

IS THIS HOW YOU ABUSE MY TOLERANCE LEVEL WHICH IS VERY HIGH?
AND SO I SNAPPED.

THE 3 WADAFUCK SHITTERHOLERS STARTED POINTED AT ME AND SAID VERY LOUDLY "CHER YOUR SKIRT CUT OUT FROM CURTAIN IS IT?" I said, no, it does not concern you where I made my skirt at.

" WALAU, HER FASHION SENSE DAMN BAD LEI." The 3 of them started mimicking me as I was folding my arms, in a very cross manner. AND CONTINUED LAUGHING. I told them, " Can you please stop laughing, I do not appreciate this type of rudeness from you. " All 3 were not reading. I approached this girl and asked, " where's your book? didn't I ask you to start reading?" AND SHE HAD THE CHEEK TO STAND UP, NOT FACE ME, TURN AWAY AND WALKED AWAY! AND ROLLED HER FREAKING FUGGLY EYES AT ME BEFORE SHE LEFT.

AND I WAS LIKE," HELLO. WHAT TYPE OF ATTITUDE IS THIS?"

The rest of the class continues to be noisy, ignoring my requests.
Just went the bell rang, it was show time for me.
I am usually a very jovial person, but things can get really ugly when jovial people become angry, when jovial people are no longer happy but extremely extremely angry.

tehsi ROARED:" WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? ARE YOU BLIND? ARE YOU DEAF? DID I NOT ASK YOU TO TAKE OUT BOOKS AND READ? ARE YOU DEFYING MY ORDERS? DID I NOT ASK YOU REPEATEDLY TO TAKE OUT YOUR BOOKS? DOES IT MEAN I AM NOT AN ACTUAL TEACHER AND MY POWERS ARE UNDERMINED? I TELL YOU YOU DO NOT ABUSE MY NICENESS, YOU DO NOT SHOW DISRESPECT TOWARDS ME, NOR DO YOU DEFY MY REQUESTS. NOW I WOULD LIKE YOU TO READ QUIETLY FOR 5 MINS BEFORE I LET YOU OFF FOR RECESS."

what tehsi would have like to ROAR:" WHAT TYPE OF FUCKERS YOU ARE? DID YOU COME OUT OF SHIT HOLES? AM I HERE TO BE TORTURED BY YOU? WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL DID YOU COME TO SCHOOL FOR? TO WASTE YOUR FUCKING TIME? I'M TELLING YOU MY TIME IS PRECIOUS, IF NOT FOR THE FACT THAT IT PAINS ME TO SEE THE FUTURE OF SINGAPORE DEGENERATING IN YOUR FUCKING FILTHY HANDS AND DISRESPECTFUL MINDS, I WOULD NOT HAVE BOTHERED. WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE LIKED ME TO DO IS TO SIT DOWN AND NOT CARE ABOUT IT RIGHT? FUCK YOU FUCK YOU AND SCREW YOU."

There, you have it.
woosh, anger dispelled.
And so, majority of the class manage to see sense, but some obviously couldn't.
I said, noone is allowed to leave the class until I allow you to, one by one.

THE STUPID IDIOT SON OF A BITCH DAMN SHIT DIRTY HOLE HAD THE CHEEK TO TAUNT ME AND SAY " I'M LEAVING, I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU."

Calmly and with an air of slicing coldness, I said," You leave. You just leave. You jus make one step out of the room and you will not ever come into my class again. Because the next time I see you, it will be in another room, the discipline master's room. And I repeat again, if you dare leave the class, that is it. Leave, leave!"

And so the 3 horrible idiotic kids left the class, I was fuming inside, and I said, since you have the guts to do it, you will have to bear the consequences for it. And so I meted out the consequences.

Which, according to sy, was one of the scariest sight she's ever seen before when I reenacted the scene to my friends.

I went to the dm and told him everything, thank goodness he supported my decision.
Some kids deserve to have a chance, some just done.
FOr this girl she definitely did not.
The one who rolled her eyes at me, at that moment, I just wanted to gorge her eyes out, put chilli oil on it, then fill it in her eye sockets, rip it out again and cook it in fish head curry.

And later in the confrontation stage, she had the cheek to look righteous!
Shake her legs and I WAS LIKE" LOOK AT YOU, WHAT TYPE OF BODY LANGAUGE ARE YOU CONVEYING TO ME? YOU ARE TELLING ME YOU DO NOT CARE AT ALL."
SHE SAID TO THE DM," THIS TEACHER IS PICKING ON ME."
AND THE DM SAID, " THERE IS NO REASON TO, SHE DOES NOT KNOW YOU."
AND IN FORNT OF THE DM, SHE STILL ROLLED HER EYES AT ME.

I WAS LIKE WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL REARED THIS TYPE OF HORRIBLE CHILD. IS THAT THE WAY YOU BEHAVE IF YOU ARE APOLOGETIC?

I asked, are you apologetic for humiliating me?
" why did you laugh?do you think it's correct for you to be so juvenile?"

AND SHE HAD THE CHEEK TO SAY " BUT IM 15 WHAT"

even if you are 2, it does not give you the right to be rude ok,
grow up. please, i beg you, just grow up.

butterfly___________

Thursday, April 12, 2007
11:08 PM

Damn freaking fuggy old hag bitch.
Stupid old woman who is menopausing.
Senseless math and science freaks who think that you have the right to bully youngsters.
Fuck lah.
If I were your age and in your position, I definitely wouldn't do that.
So screw you.

and if not for the fact that i value you and treasure you so much.
i wouldn't have made that comment la.
sian.

butterfly___________

Friday, April 06, 2007
5:58 PM

WAH. I'm blogging lei. Haha. It feels weird to start blogging after such a long long while. I feel dislocated.

I'm currently at Dra's house, playing mahjong and having a lot of fun!
Woohoo. While I am losing contact with my jc friends, with the exception of weiqi , fengyi, laytin, jiatian and jiayan, I am catching up on lost time with my secondary school friends. Woohoo.

Work:

I changed schools! I switched from Andy to CK , from Chinese teacher to English teacher. What a major change! Whenever I stand in front of the class, I still have the tendency to speak in Mandarin and had to try very hard to speak in English.* Because I still think that I am a Chinese teacher. But thank God, I'm definitely more at ease and fluent now, I mean teaching in English, not speak in English. It is so different. I have to speak accurately, for instance, we tend to slip into Singlish sub consciously and my students will correct me.

This is what happened during my first lesson:

You can do this worksheet yourself then I will collect it when you finish. XXXXXXXXXX

Correction: Please do this worksheet BY yourself and I will collect it when you have FINISHED. VVVVVVVVV

I have always thought I am very bilingual.
I think I am,still. However, I have to take note of accuracy and precision of my speaking when teaching.

:D

I like driving. It gets kind of stressful.

oh drats. I don't want to blog. I shall change my add soon.

butterfly___________

Thursday, March 22, 2007
11:11 PM

i wanna blog but im too lazy.

i shall blog about driving when i feel like it.

blogger irks me

butterfly___________

Wednesday, March 14, 2007
12:15 AM

if there is anything I dont like it is people doubting my intelligencei am insane about that if there is a way to get on my nerves it is to call me stupid over the years I have mastered the skill of convincing myself that i am stupid despite that i do not wished to be known to everyone as the stupid fat bitch it hurts ok to know that you are not as smart as a lot of people though you can be quite smart at times a lot of self belief is needed in a person like me the need to believe that i am bright the need to believe that i am pretty the need to believe that something divine has control of my life so that it wouldnt spin out of control and if you are still reading this paragraph oh boy you really are interested in what i write and what i am writing because writing without punctuations can be really tough and reading it is even tougher and this issue is not targeted at anyone and i truly mean it i just feel that when we are talking to people we have to be aware and conscious not to hurt anyone's ego or pride because that is what many people value including yours truly i feel that even if you want to doubt someone and shoot someone with your words please do consider that he or she might be so full of herself and confident of her ability meaning that she tells you her fantastic grades over and over again and tells you of her aspirations and tells you what she likes an yet you still DOUBT her and wham bam and that is how you hurt her and no i continue to insist that this is not shooting at anyone but almost everyone always commits the same mistake and do not doubt my ability nor criticise me nor judge me and never ever DOUBT me because DOUBTING is the most horrible thing you can do to a person because you never gave him or her a chance to prove herself in the first place so yeah it hurts more than any criticism or judgement because she was already condemned before she even began and being condemned for something that people have done and already done and can do how can a person doubt me a person who truly believes in her own self worth and is confident the least you can do is to encourage and continue to boost her ego not deflate it when she hasnt even got her balloon of ego yet and so it really does hurt but never mind that i will get over it because the only thing ive never gotten over is my inability to lose weight and ive been so caught up in it because i feel that it is my own failure and ive never requested god's help in this matter and so that remains as my fault and screw you you stupid bitch who over exercised in that long sleeves shirt plus short sleeves shirt pig woman how dare you doubt me when i tell you what i got and how dare you postponed wanting me and now i am going to reject you only because me and me and me can do that and if you are still reading this entry mine oh mine you really have got time because dear taysi today is in a freaking pissed off mood and i really must thank god for making the way i am if not i would have suffered under the claws of many people because oh yea i am not pretty oh yea i have recognised yet and oh yea i am fat and oh yea call me ah bui and ah pui and shit fatty and fat bitch or whatever but you can never ever doubt my personality because i am the most loyal friend i know because i might be ngiao in terms of money but i am never ngiao with my advice or praises or friendship or support and how can you doubt me when i so generously gave you my love and friendship without the blink of an eye and i asked you to listen when the best is up for grabs and i made you happy and lent you a shoulder when you are sad i am a FRIEND ok and this is not shooting at anyone once again and sometimes i really do hope that i can contract diseases such as bullimia or anorexia i tink u must be thinking my brain i wired but i can tell you that the only type of people who have 0 percent of contracting these two diseases are gluttons who more than often happen to be fat people and yes this issue is about obesity and your friend me has been plagued with it since birth and if you are still reading there is really no coherence in this entire entry night there are no punctuations because i cant write and this is really not going to offend anyone because the only person i am pissed off at is myself because i am not good enough

butterfly___________

Monday, March 05, 2007
9:23 AM

I have been eating "combat ration " for the past few days.
It has been a soulless torture eating this so called diet gunk.

Don't get me wrong. It is not the combat ration that army boys eat per se.
But combat ration to combat FATS.
Hai.

Leong Left work today. :(
There goes my lunching partner.
My brunch partner.
My recess partner.
My breakfast partner.
My only partner for the past 2 months.
I am going to miss her.

Last night, I wore a skirt.
And kept my legs very tightly closed because later exposed.
Sat on a little stool.
Then my baby cousin looked up and down at my legs.
Curiously.
Wondrously.
Thinking....

My own cat ran out of the bag , and thought, " Is she looking for something? Oh gosh. Is it ...."
And so I proved to be a smart person.

" Jie jie, where is your bai bai ( dialect for vagina)? I cannot see. I cannot find."

-_-"

She is four.
And so I was very paiseh and laughed heartily.
And told her" shh...cannot see people's bai bai"

Then I conveyed the entire encounter to my dad and mom and aunt.
Who all laughed in an amused manner.

Causing my barely 3 but considered 4 cousin much misery and paisehness.

Later in the car, I was talking to my mom again about my cousin's innocence.
Then the cousin, who was in her rare channel 8 mode, said annoyingly,
" jie jie, cannot say again!!!!"

Haha.
I think it's because she just started wearing panties.
Hehe.

butterfly___________