butterfly__________

Wednesday, October 26, 2005
11:24 PM

i realise i like imagining writing blogs better than actuallly writing blogs.
the effect is better in imagination than in reality..i actually have space for correction but once its down in black n white...nth can be altered...i have to be responsible for wad i say..for whoeva ppl i intend to hurt...onli cos they hurt be first:(

tt sounded devious i guess..had a realli rough day..i cud had thot of 3 ways of starting this blog
1. wad an asshole...totally ruined my day....ahhhhhhhhh
2. im so upset...i still cant believe wad happened///
3. i regret not joining the conflict management course..

i guess im not a very kind person when it comes to verbal abuse. when im in a mean mood. dra says ive been in bad moods nowadays...den i started reflecting n ding ding ding!!! mb i realli am rather emotional nowadays...ive always suffered frm roller coaster rides when it comes to emotional outbursts...i dun realli care wad ppl think...i need them...or else it wud be an internal explosion..

i stormed away today...to the astonishment of my pw counterparts...namely the girls.. HAH. oh well...the overview of the conflict is he n i argued over a slide. wich he insisted tt i do...n i insisted on not doing but he do it...n he got realli fierce n impolite while i got rather unreasonable n all the insulting words start to dance outta my mouth...shall not say wad...

the conflict got so bad...n i was realli offended i hated his tone to say the least...mb i brought out the worst in him...ppl say i have a way of bringing out the worst n best in ppl....i guess i was being rather insistent on doin my own slides...i wud rather do sth im more familiar w...he cud have not shouted at me..or scolded me but cud have talked to me nicely...i wud have given in..i almost always do...

i realli seldom get angry...there are 365 days in a yr...i get angry bout twice a yr at most?? i can even count the number of conflicts i have w my frens in my 17 yrs of life. the truth is i dun enjoy arguing w ppl. I HATE IT. if u survive it, it means ur frenship is secure n u will go further. if u dun then its bye bye. i dunno wad will happen in tis case..my indignance is having a major hold over me i guess..i will refuse to back down...

n so i left. jus suddenly. n rather unexpectedly. i hate e awkward silence after a conflict. i dun like to c the helpless looks plastered on the faces of my other 3 frens...i dun like his lesss than courteous tone...his dismissive way of speaking..n most importantly..i dun wanna lose my dignity by screaming n shouting at him..

yes...i went away cos i was disappointed in me, myself n him...i went away b4 things got worse...tts e onli way i can explain... i apologise for my irresponsibility..but i do think tt was e best way to cool both parties down...like e wang li fa in cha guan ya noe..distance is the best...

am i jeopardising my grps' grades for pw? i dunno? are they pissed at me???i have no idea??? think they r rather concerned bout me...but i will live it..its not tt big a matter to me realli..its onli 1 MISERABLE SLIDE. n he has to argue w me over it. even when it is clear to all tt he is arguing w an unreasonable mean bitch hu will not back down. i guess it is logical tt the girls agree w him cos his reasons were rather adequate..like mine isnt.. i put in 100% enthusiasm..n all of them have diminished to 0% cos of today..

im prob gonna get satisfactory for grading cos of tis but u noe wad..i no longer care...i jus want it over n done w...i dun even wan to c him..i cant even bear to look at the slides..

n e result of the conflict was sacrificing another member by makin her say it...wich is realli nice of her thanks:) i wud have stuck to my decision no matter wad u say. no matter how mad u get. tts me. im stubborn. obstinate. adamant. i wun change. not if u dun change ur way of speaking.

dun vent ur frustrations on me. i dun give a hoot or shit bout it. i did wad i cud. when i c u dun look well i ask after u. wehn u tok bout stuff u like. i accomodated n listened. when u get big headed. i neva deflate u. tts e best i can do. n tis has to happen. im disappointed. upset. not angry.

im very forgiving. usually i dun get angry. more like upset.

thanks girls for cheering me up/ even tho it is clear tt u mite not agree w my ways.oh well..its a gd experience u have seen e worst side of girls:)

thanks feng for brightening up my day for our venture at hougang....it was realli fun...n i enjoyed it tremendously...n i love getting to noe u more..theres room for more interaction:)

yes n to the world. im jus me. u wun change becos of me. likewise. i wun change becos of u.

butterfly___________