butterfly__________

Thursday, October 27, 2005
7:01 PM

jus now me n mom were reading newspaper together bout the red hill murder case whereby the husband killed the wife cos she had an affair. den i commented to my mom tt i wud kill my wife too if i were tt guy. i jus cant stand betrayal. i cant stand anything tt tarnishes my pride. den my mummy said" ya i wud kill her too. cos she shudnt do tis type of thing". den i went to ask my bro wud u have killed ur wife if u were the man? then my bro said " yes. of cos lah. how can she betray her hubby?"

yes. the above recount does not mean tt my family is psychotic. n tt we do not kill ppl whom we hate. even tho we mite:) the point i am tryin to make is tt. my family values faith, values trust, values loyalty, n we r all very stubborn ppl. stubbornness is a common trait betw e 3 of us.

i noe y im so stubborn. y my bro is stubborn. cos of my mummy. not tt im not glad tt we r stubborn. i love my mom more than anybod in tis world. she always taught us tt we must have "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, tit for tat". we must uphold justice. even if it is in our own weird ways. no matter wad happens. we must fight for wad we believe in n tt is y we r all stubborn. my dad is diff. hes a saint. no temper one so i din ask him.ok i jus asked him. he said" divorce lor"

i admit. my family is weird but nice. although my dad has pen ink marks all ova his back when he scratches w a pen W/O e cap. although my bro is the most courageous warriour, defender of e wearker ones. although my mom cuts out articles of losing weight even when she s not fat. even when she dun wan to lose weight. she cut them for me to see -_-" yes. tts my family. my mom always tell me to jus say wadeva i c then i dun like n tt is reasonable. altho i always fail to c e sec part.

n so tt provides e background for wadeva im gonna say now. i shot my mouth off today again. at one person mainly. i wud very much like to scold her a bad word. but i shant. not tt i wudnt want to. but afterall she mite have e backing of authorities. n im scared to death. yeah rite. i have no tolerance for authorities. tis is e girl(me) hu criticised someone major on friendster yes. w/o regrets. i dare to point out stuff tt i c r faulty. do u dare to? or r u gonna submit to authorities ur entire life? to live under fear n oppression to be worried every single sec if u had jus blogged sth wrong?

there r consequences for wadeva one says. tt i admit. today i shoot my mouth off rather recklessly. i realli was offended. u can say im not gracious for not receiving criticisms. u can say im rude. u can say i mite not be able to survive for another yr. u mite say i was impulsive. yes i agree w wad u say. totally. maybe im all of the above. mb im jus a pure ego maniac. thanks for telling me all tt..but thing is i noe all my flaws..does tt mean i must change? another arrogant statement made.

but i do not regret my actions. tts all i can say/ cud have done it in a more refined n skillful way. i tink i did it in e best possible way already. putting subtle hints. wich means onli the ppl involved will noe im referring to them or mb some of my frens.

it was tough. im stubborn. i cant let go. i must say wad i see tt i dislike. i cant stand self righteous ppl. even tho i am one myself as i am evaluating a person's character here. yes. before u say stuff bad bout other ppl. pls pls pls. use ur brain/ see whether u r better than tt person? do not self elevate urself if u arent tt good. do not put ur extremely biased view on paper. cos wad u have done is major- u have jus injured someone's pride. n i am a prideful person. do not compare me w anyone else. cos im me. n ive got my own style. n its not as if im lousier than tt person u r more inclined towards.

if u dun like me. say it to my face. no not undemine my abilities. do not discredit me. no not ever attack me personally. when u r nice to me im even nicer to u X10000000 but if u r mean to me. i assure u tt my nickname of MEANSIE wud be bolded.

it actually all depends on our principles n values we hold in life/ i value dignity. i value pride. n i have to sya tt humility is not a priority in my life. but as of now. i realise i ahve to learn to be humble. i tink God is trying to teach me sth. giving me 2 trials in 2 days. tts major for me considering the fact tt im nice 85% of the time.

i have also becoms a byronic hero in a way. cos those ppl hu tink im "brave" n agree with wad i did. thank you very much for supporting me. i wud promise to refine my arguing techniques.

n i will get the apology frm someone wich i tink i deserve. even tho the entire world mite think its a mini matter. it matters a lot to me. cos he matters a lot to me. i wudnt care so much if he were a member of the evil forces:) yes. n i will get it. no matter wad.

those hu r disappointed in me. im sorry- not for wad ive done. but for letting u down. for makin u feel awkward in any ways. dun gif me "dirty looks" i dun need tt. n by givin me tt. u r in fact judging me. n its not a gd feeling to be judged my someone. to have urself palced onstage for ppl to access u n ur "naked inner self" its painful to say the least.

i am sorry for shooting my mouth off. but not for wad i said. im not ashamed. im not makin a big hoo-hah. maybe i am in ur opinion but in mine, im not. i jus said wad i felt n released my suppressed emotions for a long time.

i wan very much for us to be like before. mb we can./ oh well. u will gif me wad i desire. n if u gimme tt. i will gif u wan in return. its as easy as abc. n for causing the tension n awkwardness n the manin conflicts contributor no matter where i go im sorry.

i jus hope the joy i brought to u will overpower the eekky feeling i brought to u. n to end off, take wad im giving wad im offering. cos "sorry seems to be the hardest word" for me.

butterfly___________