butterfly__________

Thursday, February 02, 2006
9:01 PM

I get sad over the stupidest things.

I am feeling rather stupid now. It is exhilarating to get a reaction out of Fengyi."minsi said i scolded her.sorry."

I am amused at the language in the sentence above. She is literally depicting the situation. Did she scold me? Or did I conclude that she scolded me when in fact she didn't but merely made an animated statement?

I wonder.

I remember when I was young, my papa used to scold me a little bit. Then I would start bawling. And then he would reply:" I never scold you. I "say" you only."( Think in Chinese)

It's ok. I deserve it anyway. Me and my mouth. I shouldn't talk about people's eyebrows right in front of people. Shut up.SHUT UP.

I just can't shut up.Anyway, I am happy Fengyi scolded me. Haha. I think I am sick. But I think scolding in a relationship is fantastic because it means a close relationship. As in real scolding. Afterall I have the honour of being the first person she scolded besides her sister. I am honoured.

Told you I am sick.

I have the ability to irritate and anger people who are perpetually non-irritable. Who NEVER ever flared or got annoyed. Like Bryan. Like Fengyi. I succeeded in making the two celestial beings in class angry.

I am proud of my achievements.It just shows how irritating I am. Blech.

I love Miss Heng. I love drama lessons. I regret not going taking theatre classes. I just don't have the looks to be an actress.

Darn hell. Who defines how an actress should look anyway? Not that I want to be an actress. Ok. maybe I want to be. I want to be involved in theatre stuff. Whatever.

We read an extract from a drama today. I like having drama lessons. Makes me think. Makes me laugh. Makes me excited. It makes me happy.:) Fengyi loves Ms Heng's lessons too even though it is mentally exhausting.

Gosh. For once, I can truly feel my love for good drama oozing out of my heart. Thank you.

I sympathised with Gussie, the drag queen we read about today.

I can empathise with her. The hunger for fame. The desire for love. The constant longings for adoration. The perpetual yearnings for affection. The much sought-after popularity.

At the end of the day, I just want people to like me. To accept me. Perhaps I am wanting too much. I am loved by God, my parents and my brother. And maybe even some of my friends. I hope. I am just too greedy.

I am self-absorbed certainly. Did they say it's wrong to be absorbed in yourself? Afterall, you are the person who is closest to your own heart.

I do not like being left out. I do not like being ignored. I do not like the feeling of standing on the field, this burning desire for them to ask me to play being extinguished. Ouch.

"call me.....Call me...CALL ME" Just say my name. That is all I want. And I did not get it.

"You did well." " You played well." Sort of patronising isn't it.Not regarding my stituation. Perhaps it is. I only went down to play once. I did not hear my name being called.

It hurts. The feeling of uselessness hurts most of all.

When at the end of the day, all I wanted is a chance to do something for them.

I do not like it when people track my actions. The more you track the more I don't want to go. I am sick of being controlled.

Please do not count how many times I didn't go for church. Because obviously, I can count. Blech.

butterfly___________