butterfly__________

Monday, June 19, 2006
11:55 PM

I am awfully happy today. Haha.

Thank you God. Last night, after weeks and months of not praying properly, escaping from him. I finally talked to Him properly. I told God how lost and hateful I am of myself. I no longer know where I stand, I feel so inferior because I can never pass maths, I am so fat I can't stand to look in the mirror. I forced everything at the back of my head.

I pretended God exist in front, but not in me.

Oh I prayed long and hard last night.:D I feel at peace today. God made me feel better. You know what, everytime before I do maths, a shadow of doubt and shame fills me. It's odd. You can call it Phobia of maths I guess. But today, today I manage to do some, HAPPILY. Successfully. The joy was well HUGE.

I am happy.

Not many people can understand the relationship I have with maths. It's like a war that I cannot stand to lose. It's like a friend who constantly annoys me. But when I can do it, oh the joy. It surpasses the definitions of joy. It's so shallow an idea and relationship that I cannot believe that it even exists.

I will try not to dodge it.

I don't want to die early. I don't want to murder myself. I am starting to eat lesser and jog more frequently. I don't want to murder myself.

They say fat girls become fat women who remain single and die single and ill, with diabetes and heart attack and high blood pressure and stroke and kidney failure bombarding them. I am so scared.

I want to go for boot camp. I looked at my sec4 pictures, I was not this bloated. I am so angry. But the anger quickly subsided, because I believe I am safe in God's hands. I will not worry. I will see doctor for help. To handle my weight problem.

This is about as honest as it gets. I just opened myself to the world.

Exposed.

I need this blog I guess. It makes me feel good.

I thank the special Auntie from church who massaged my nerves and fear away at the backstage. She is God-sent!

I thank all my friends from church who never hate me, for not being cooperative during the musical. I just want to say I am sincerely apologetic. I will change. It takes time, yeah?

The musical was awesome.;D Thank you xy and ch for coming....

I will remain happy.
Exams? Grades? Maths?

I matter. God matters. Family matters. Friends matters.
Well, they matter too lah. haha.

butterfly___________