butterfly__________

Thursday, September 21, 2006
8:31 PM

if only everything remained the way it was

Several times today I felt like crying.
Pitter-patter. Pitter-Patter.
Like raindrops scrolling down the window pane.
Forever stuck and yet it tries to roll down.

My tears are up there.
Trying to unleash itself.

Why the sudden flush of emotions?
I realise for a split second-I actually miss Bp.

I miss Cai Laoshi's " Ni men bu ke yi zhe yang de lei."
I miss Mr Ng's " Taeee......Keeee Ouuuuuttt yoooouurrrr PPPPOOOOtractor..."
I miss Ms Tay and her relaxed posture.
I even miss Chiam Chiam's calling me " Taysi"
Yinhou calling me fei gui.
how we used to oggle at the Phillipino nurses who always wrap themselves with a towel and display their unfortunate figures to us.
how yaowei used his finger to poke my tiger balm and i chased after him in the school.
how joanna and i used to go to lot 1 after school to hang out.
how lindy and joan used to run down the familiar route home to chase after 302.
how hongli, me and liyana and joyce and rayna used to chiong to school and insist on running even though we might still be late.

how days in Bp were the days i really learnt lessons on life.

SOB.

Cai laoshi is really nice to me.
Everytime I return to see her, she will put her hand over my shoulder and give me a semi hug, and tell me in the most affectionate way, " Eh. Wo zhen de hen xiang ni de lei. Kan dao ni wo hen kai xin."(I really miss you, seeing you make me really happy."

So much better than that shit-face, ass-kissing, coporate climbing, gayish, shorty-2 shoes teacher. Shall not mention his name, lest I get into trouble again, because this time. It really is personal attack.

That aside, Cai laoshi is my absolute favourite Chinese teacher in the entire world.
Noone in Hc, or my primary school can compare to her.
The words she said to me sunk deep into my heart.
I took Chinese partly because I really miss her.

Coming back to BP is like a sojourn I need to take.
I need this spiritual walk down my memory lane, to revitalize what everything meant to me.
What everything meant to me. What everything means to me. What everything will mean to me.

God is great. Everything was not pre-arranged. A call from Ms Neo and I was down there.
Thank you, God.

Cai laoshi gave me some really good advice on what course not to take in uni.
Something she said really touched me when I told her I aspire to be a journalist.
" Ni ke yi de lei. Wo hai man xin shang ni de wen bi. Bu cuo bu cuo."( you can do it. i really quite appreciate/admire your style of writing.Not bad Not bad"

It feels damn good to have a person compliment you on something that means so much to you. Thank you Cai laoshi.

Mr Ng looked really happy when I told him to take care of himself.
Told him to exercise, told him to take care of his heart.
Told him to take care.

Despite the fact that I ended my sec 4 year horribly, I refuse to pay attention to that. I refuse to let all my beautiful memories of my alma mater be smeared by that one miserable heroic thing I did. Haha. I insist on saying heroic.

I truly love my school. I love my teachers. I love my friends.

Because of this journey I have taken, I feel the immense need to just do something worthwhile for my school. To just bring the little amount of glory I can bring through such a small mean. Even if it is small, I know I have tried. I know years down the road I won't regret. I know I can tell my teachers it's because of them I am what I am, my success are all credited to them.

I have to do this.
I have to erase memories of my previous failure.
I have to focus.
I have to work hard,put in more effort.
I know I am so much more than this.
I am so much more than this irresponsible, miserable, petty, idiotic, inferior person that I am today.
I have to create something I can call a success.
It is what I owe my God, my parents, my teachers.

I may be a fleeting ship in their lives,
But i definitely would not want to be a broken worthless ship,
I want to be the most majestic looking ship they've ever seen.

I want my teachers to be happy for me.
I don't want them to be worried for me.
I don't want to cry tears of remorse and regret.
I want to cry tears of joy,
I want to tell Mr Tan proudly" Mr Tan, thank you for your concern and your help"
I want to tell Ms Neo I really like her, and she really helped me a lot.

They can only do so much.
All things else falls heavily upon me.
I only have a month left to correct my mistake.
To erase the earthly shame that will remain earthly but still important for my earthly life.

You could have felt more you know.
For me?
Your reaction was disappointing.
Could have felt more?

butterfly___________