butterfly__________

Friday, April 13, 2007
11:09 PM

Haha. I just realised that other people do read my blog. And then I went back to read my recent entries- to my horror, they are all bad. Eeks.

Then I was telling Jia that maybe Alex is xiaoyuan. Since her hotmail is alexboyish something. Or if not, it means he is a boy , my image as a jovial and bubbly person is totally tarnished. That's it, noone will ever fall in love with me.:( Or if seen in optimistic light, like Jia said, maybe Alex is a stalker of mine. Wah. Very happy hor.

So what are you huh? Don't disappoint me lei, haha, just a passerby:( Maybe you are a student who has a crush on me. The bitchy teacher.

And my dear fren fengyi said quite encouragingly," You should have slapped your student." I would have I guessed, if I had lesser control over my emotions.

Well, I am really not so angry anymore.
Now, it's more like disappointment, and ache.
There's this hurting ache , or to quote a passage I just read, it's so painful that I feel "pains in pains".

And so I asked God for help.
I asked dear God, is there some reason you are letting me teach now? Is there some reason why you are opening my eyes to all these? What is my cause for caring about them? My love and concern would in the end remain unrequited.

Is there a reason why I'm feeling a sort of pain, a sort of disappointment I have yet to experience in my life til now? Or is it simply because you want to show me that I can help? And I should help?

Then, to a not very christianly christian like me, I actually felt it. I actually felt it just before I entered the lift. I could never understand how someone, a stranger, a passerby a bypasser, could just put him or herself down and just wholly accept others. To feel hurt or anger simply because this is not what you expect of them, because you feel so much more?

To treat me like this, is not just hurting me.
I can see how you treat your parents.
I can see how great your parents' love for you are.
Despite your flaws, your horribility, your immaturity, they still loved you and they will always love you. Even when they are in hell or heaven, Love never ever stops. Because your origin was them.

Then I finally understood God's love for all of us.
How we are all horrible people, having a 100 sins each and yet when he created us, he inputed the freedom of choice in us and yet still forgave us! tolerated us! Because he loved us.

And my anger shall cease to exist.
Because anger alone can't help me solve problems.
My problems, your problems.
Only my love, as a teacher, from a teacher, can encompass everything, forgive you and still care about you.

Shamelessly, my own words touched myself.

When one of the girls apologised to me, whether sincerely or not, I held her on the arms and I said very sincerely,
" I do not wish to do this. I am not happy doing this. I do not like to see your name on a cruel piece of offence record form. Because that will not make you change. But I will scold you, nag at you, teach you, preach at you, until you learn, be it one day I will still do it."

That was my most sincere sentiments.
She was unmoved lah.

oh crap.

butterfly___________